Conflict

As I’m approaching my 30^th birthday in a little over 6 months, I’m trying to grasp at the reality that I’ve lived what could possibly be 1/3 of my life.  I am in no way regretful of what the last 29 years have held for me.  I’ve realized many highs, lows, successes, failures, and uncertainties.  I’ve dealt with death, school, work, moving, living abroad, puppy love, and so on and so forth.  I wouldn’t be the person I am today without every single event that has happened in the last 29 years.

I feel like I am at a relatively good point in my life right now.  I have a job that I’ve been at for almost 6.5 years.  It is an exciting place where I work – our enrollment has been up every single year in which I’ve worked there and great things are in the works in the area.  I have health insurance, I’m taking a supervisory class and I work with some of the greatest people in the whole U.  Both my dad & stepdad are currently holding steady in their fights with cancer.  I’m in the best place financially that I’ve been in many, many years.  I am so close with my nephews and still love them to pieces.  I’ve finally given up babysitting, and I’m okay with that.  I am also okay with being single and not sure of what the future holds, in regard to “the one.”  They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, and I’m content with “working on me.”

But I also feel I’m still searching for more.  I’m longing to leave the sense of security I so desperately need, behind.  I’ve lived in this tiny little apartment for 6 years.  I’d like to move to a place where I can have a kitchen table and more counter space.  Perhaps maybe even a refrigerator that doesn’t “shiver” and matching countertops if I’m lucky.  (NOTE:  My mom has rented this place to me over the last 6 years for a STEAL.  I am not complaining about that by any means – I am blessed.  But, I feel like its time to move on.  And with me moving on, she can get a new renter and ask for more rent!)   I feel like I’m spinning my wheels at work.  I don’t feel challenged.  Every day I know what the day holds.  There typically aren’t many surprises.  There isn’t much new to learn, to absorb.  And in all honesty, I feel like I’ve gone as far as I will go in my department, and I don’t really want to move elsewhere in the university.  While I’m appreciative of what I’ve learned and what I’ve established for myself, I want more.

I’m not great at dedicating myself to things.  When I was in middle school and high school, I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up:  a teacher.  I had countless amazing teachers in middle school & high school and I could not wait to be like those teachers.  I wanted to touch lives like they did mine.  I got to WMU and went straight to it.  Then I failed all of my classes except for 1 my first semester.  Then I got mono.  And then I dropped out for a year.  The odds were most certainly against me.  I started a job I loved at BC and decided to start taking classes there.  Almost immediately, I knew I hated it.  I had to go back to WMU.  I missed my friends, I missed being on a college campus, I missed Kalamazoo.  And by January, 2001, I went back.  Of course being 1.5 years behind my peers, I was practically starting anew.  And with starting anew, I realized getting into the Education program at WMU would take me much longer than what I had anticipated.  I gave up on that dream.  I found a great love for my Spanish courses and threw myself into that.  In the mean time, I thought of doing Nursing or Physical Therapy (mostly because of a boy I was in love with at that time).  But I wasn’t about to immerse myself in math or science., so those were quickly ruled out  My love for Spanish grew.  I had 2 outstanding Spanish professors who motivated me.  I studied in Spain.  I took every class I could in the subject.  I excelled.  I thought maybe I could be a Spanish professor.  But more importantly, I just wanted to obtain the bachelor’s degree.  I wanted to be DONE.  One of those Spanish professors told me “why do you want to be done so bad?  Stay in school.  Once you graduate, all you have to look forward to is working for the rest of your life.”  Oh Mariola, how right you were! 

Since I graduated from WMU 6 years ago, I’ve considered and started down many avenues.  I started the MLS program at UMF but didn’t find myself ready to pursue graduate school wholeheartedly after 1 class.  I re-realized my love of working with kids and decided to take an early childhood class at Mott that I loved and did well in.  But I wasn’t sure that having a BA and Associates in Early Childhood was the right route.  I started working on my teaching certificate at UMF.  I did school full-time and worked full-time.  To obtain my teaching certificate there, I would need to take at least 90 credit hours.  It was discouraging to say the least and after 2 semesters I threw the towel in.  In 2008 I was promoted to my current position as advisor at UMF.  I heard about a program at K-State that was online for academic advising.  It sounded perfect!  I was excited about starting the program and pursuing something relevant to my job.  But I quickly found I lacked the self-discipline for an online program and just didn’t find the program all that enthralling.  I was back to square 1.

Are you sensing a theme here?  I basically give up on many things I start in life (this has been with me since childhood:  dance, violin, coronet, dance team, soccer) trying to figure out what else there is.  And that’s the point I feel like I’ve come back to now.

I’m 29 years old.  I’m supposed to have life all figured out.  I’m not supposed to be asking myself what the hell I want to do now.  I’m 6 years into a job I could quite possibly retire from in 24 years.  But it’s not what I want.  It’s not what I think I was put onto this earth for.

To be continued…

Upcoming

It's been a relatively slow, uneventful summer for me and I'm not really complaining.  When you work full-time, year-round, summer doesn't seem that much different than any other time of the year.  The only big difference is the weather is nicer and I don't want to sit at a desk when it's so nice out.  But, it could be raining cats and dogs out and I could think of 100 other places I would want to be than at my desk.  I guess it's just the nature of the beast!

The other reason why I haven't done a whole lot vacation wise this summer is because I used up a hefty amount of my vacation time in April to go see my dad...but I don't regret that at all.  Hopefully, I will have enough time stored up to take a few weeks off in December with our holiday break.

Anyway, the next few weeks should be some good ones, I hope! :)

• Tuesday:  Natalie Merchant at the Michigan Theatre in Ann Arbor.  As if this wasn't good enough, she will be at the Border's in downtown Ann Arbor that afternoon to do a performance and CD-signing.  I'm sooooooooo there!  I can't wait to see her again - last time I saw her in concert was 2002.
• Wednesday:  Cedar Point.  Haven't been there in at least 4 years so it should be fun - I'm trying to convince myself that I will survive Top Thrill Dragster.
• Next weekend - Going to my mom's for a few days.  Hoping to plan a Lake Michigan picnic on Saturday...I need to get my tan on :)
• 1st full weekend in August - going with my cousin Jamie to Traverse City to hang out with our J family cousins.  Haven't seen them in ages, can't wait.
• Other things will come up, I'm sure...and I'm game!

Oh, and September 17 my cousin Jamie and I are going to Chicago to see DMB at Wrigley.  That will be amazing!!

Dog Days

My whole life, I've been surrounded by pets.  I'm trying to remember if there was any time in which we didn't have pets, and there truly wasn't.  In my 29 years, we've always had a dog or a cat...I absolutely love that.  I hope to provide my own kids with the same love of animals that I've always had.

We were pretty much dog people until I was 10, and I convinced my mom to get a cat.  We lived in an apartment, and the dog my mom had gotten when I was about 4, Chloe, had to live with my grandma because we couldn't have her in the apartment.  After much pleading (I'm sure) my mom agreed we could get a cat.  There were 2 stipulations:  it had to be from the Humane Society, and it had to be a calico.

 

Along came Sadie.  (By the way, this picture cracks me up.  I caught her mid-yawn last year on my Blackberry.)  She is now 19 (!) years old, and still kicking.  She eats, sleeps, goes to the bathroom and wonders around aimlessly in the yard when you let her outside.

After Sadie (and a move to a house) came Annie, another cat.  When I was 14, my mom & I moved to a different house.  We had just gotten settled in, when I was out running errands with my dad one day.  I saw a sign that said "free puppies" and had to stop.  My dad let me (without my mom's permission!) get a puppy and basically said if my mom wouldn't let me have it, he would keep it.

And so, this is how we got Max.  He was a border collie mix, annoying as all heck and cute as a button.  I remember calling my mom at work and saying "if I tell you something, do you promise you won't get mad?"  Yeah, that something was a DOG!  Luckily, she let me keep him.  

 

Max would likely have given Marley from "Marley and Me" a run for his money.  He ate anything and everything.  The first night we had him, I had to sleep on the floor to stop him from crying.  He ripped a hole in my boxer shorts that night from biting.  The second night, I had to build a ramp with pillows and an upside down laundry basket so he could climb into my bed.  He pee'd when he was excited.  He bothered my nephews endlessly, pushing them over when they were toddlers.  He escaped from our backyard countless times, went nuts when we would say "Max, who is here?" and would run from window to window barking his head off.  He continued to eat everything, (a favorite was kleenex thrown in the bathroom waste basket) and drive us crazy.

Slowly but surely, he got older.  And fatter.  He started to slow down, but became a good dog in the process.  As he continued to get older, his health started failing.  He was constantly coughing and was very irritable when my mom decided it was time to get a puppy, about a year ago.  He still ate everything though, and so we didn't think too much of it.

But, on Friday, July 9, the time finally came.  My mom kept hoping he would die in his sleep, but he didn't.  She knew he was miserable, and it was his time to be taken from this Earth.  She put him to sleep that day and cried for days later.  

Of course it hurts to lose a pet -they are a part of your family.  But, I'm a firm believer that while many pets may come and go in this life, our lives are so much richer because of them.  And while I have no intentions of replacing Max, I know we provided him with a good life, and we will hopefully continue to do so with any pets that come into our lives in the future.

I shall believe

The DTE concert season opened (for me) on Saturday with the Sheryl Crow/Colbie Caillat concert.   I can remember singing "All I Wanna Do" as a middle schooler and have been quite the Sheryl Crow fan since that time.  I saw her about 10 years ago (!) at Lilith Fair, but was super excited to see her this weekend along with Colbie Caillat.  I absolutely fell in love with Colbie's first CD "Coco" so I was excited to see her as well.  And I'll be the first to admit I was looking forward to some fine tailgating too :)

After some storms the night before, we had absolutely beautiful weather for the concert - not too hot, not cold.  We sat in the parking lot for a good hour before Colbie came on drinking some Coors Light (in plastic cups - so they didn't know what we were drinking...the DTE people's comment, not ours!) and then went in right when she came on.  She put on a great show, but like most opening acts, wasn't on for too long.

Sheryl Crow was amazing.  Girlfriend can rock!  She played all of her good songs and even had Kid Rock come out for "Picture."  Of course my zoom is terrible so I didn't get great pictures, but it was awesome all the same!

Here is the majority of our group.  We had a blast - I can't wait to do it many more times this summer

Of course yesterday night I pulled out my iPod and played all my Sheryl stuff.  One song that I have loved for as long as I can remember is "I Shall Believe."  I remember being a heartbroken teenager and singing that song over the boy who absolutely broke my heart.  Anyway, I read online somewhere that someone thought it had a religious connotation to it, and after reading the lyrics, I can kinda see that.

"I Shall Believe"~Sheryl Crow

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

If this is indeed about God, I need to sing this song over and over right now.  Boy do I need him right now.  In particular, the "I only come home when I'm so all alone" seems to really strike a cord with me.  I haven't been to church in ages, but find myself needing to get back in there - I would do anything for a miracle at this point.

Storms

Tonight I braced myself for some terrible weather; it seemed to be going on all around our area.  Luckily, I was at my mom's house.  I'm not a big fan of being home alone during storms because if there was a tornado watch, I would round up the pets and hit my creepy basement, stat.  Homie don't play 'dat!

I have been terrified of storms for as long as I can remember.  When I was a kid and it stormed, I slept with my mom.  I would cringe when I saw the lightning and would wait for the loud, crashes of thunder around me.  Usually, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep until after the storm passed.

As a pre-teen, I still hated them. In our old farm house, my mom worked until like 8:00 at night, so I was home alone from the time I got home from school around 3 until 8:30'ish.  I remember one time, there was a particularly bad storm during the day and I grabbed a blanket and curled up in our basement all by myself.  That basement was way nastier than I have now, too!  Anyway, I constantly had this fear of a big tree falling on our house during a storm.  So, in my mind, the basement was the safest place to be.  I remember my mom coming home that evening and finding me in the basement.  I don't think I was ever so happy to have her come home!

The next house we lived in from age 14 on (the house my mom & Jim live in now) is a small ranch with no basement.  Where did I go when it stormed?  Into the bathtub.  My mom was totally the one who would sit in front of the window watching the storms.  As soon as I saw "tornado warning" on Channel 12, I grabbed a pillow, the quilt my Grandma C made me and rode the storm out in the bathtub.  Why the bathroom?  Back then, it didn't have a window.

Even tonight after the raging winds had died down and an eerie stillness came about, I went to the bathroom at my mom's house and envisioned where my hiding spot would be.  The bathroom is now out of the question for hiding because it's been remodeled and has a window.  Luckily, it never got bad so I didn't have to worry too much.

I find myself not nearly as terrified of storms as what I used to be.  They might wake me up, but usually I can go back to sleep.  I don't worry as much about a tree falling on my house, but do worry about tornados.  When I'm not home, I worry if my pets are okay.  And if the power goes out?  Yeah, that's just creepy.

It's only the middle of June - I better buckle myself in for the Michigan summer in front of me.  There are plenty of storms to come, I'm sure.  And with all of the natural disasters that have been happening recently (floods, tsunamis, earthquakes, tornados, etc.) I better be ready for a bumpy ride!

I'm not dead

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted in over two months.  The truth of the matter is that a lot has been going on, but it's also been quite dull lately, too.  Maybe I just needed that "quiet" time to reflect on what I should/should not be blogging about.  Truthfully, it surprises me that anyone still reads this!  More than anything, it's a blog for me to look back on and remember the little things in life, things I otherwise would have forgotten about - both good and bad.

So what have I been doing over the last two months?  Let's see...

-Went to Texas
-Sat by my 102 year old great grandma's bedside when we thought she was going to die...but she didn't!
-Experienced more familial discord than I would like to claim
-Cried so much one night that my eyelids were literally swollen in the morning
-Went to Andrew's open house, aka the 2nd of the five F family kids I babysat for, for 10 years.  I started watching them when he was 5!  He is now a budding film maker and headed to CMU! :)
-Reunited with my Smith family cousins that I love dearly
-Interviewed in Ann Arbor...again
-Resolved some major financial issues
-Organized 6 photo shoots, 50+ student testimonials, 20+ faculty profiles
-Took up hair coloring to permanently cover these grays
-Got tickets to see Natalie Merchant in Ann Arbor in August :)
-Had a cat go MIA
-Picked up 8 tickets to see Sheryl Crow on Saturday @ DTE for $40 total.  Thanks, Craigslist!
-Went bridesmaid dress shopping with my childhood  best friend who is getting married next year
-Added more trashy channels to my Dish Network subscription
-Attended a fundraiser for my Aunt Hope who has no health insurance & was recently diagnosed & had surgery for pancreatic cancer
-Started taking Vitamin B-12 and Vitamin D because they are both low
-Watched "Dennis the Menace" with my nephew, which he referred to as "Dennis the Tennis"
-Saw my nephew Roman for the last time...he is moving to Oregon with my brother tomorrow :(

And many, many other things.

Life is really tough right now.  I have no right to complain, believe me.  I have a roof over my head, a job that I have been at for 5 years and 359 days, health insurance, 2 sets of supportive parents, food in my belly.  But, my stepdad's continued struggle with cancer along with some other things have been weighing me down.  I can be in the car driving to work, and I will just break down into sobs.  It's less than ideal.

On the other hand, I remind myself that life is sweet.  My nephew was over here on Sunday morning and he heard the song "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer and sang that line at least a dozen times that morning and would lean over for a kiss.  I have friends - both young and old, new and lifelong, that have been so supportive of me on the days when I am grumpy and sad.  One friend in particular I have known since I was 8 and I will be in her wedding next June.  My dad will be here in 11 days for a long visit.  I had hummus for lunch today. :)  The good outweighs the bad...usually.

I started writing as therapy - who knows what it will turn out to be.  In reality I would love to be a published author and quit my job and live off of writing.  But that's another day, and another story.

The door that is no more

My mom likes old stuff.  Not as in like moldy food or clothes from the 70's.  She likes antique things.  Last year when she & my stepdad went on their annual fall vacation to the U.P. I was not surprised to find out they went to an antique store.  They bought a door, but since their car was packed full for a week's vacation, they couldn't bring the door back with them.  They planned to do it in November.

November came and went.

They finally decided in March to go pick the door up and bring it home to Davison:

The door is super cool - it's from the late 1800's and is just beautiful.  It needs to be stripped and they aren't sure where they are going to put it in the house they are building, but for the time being it just sat in the utility room at my mom's house, undisturbed.  Looking pretty.

Until yesterday.

We had a nice Easter Sunday and after going to visit my great-grandma, my mom and Jim dropped me off at their house to finish my laundry.  I got my first load out of the dryer and was carrying the basket into the kitchen to go fold.  I bumped into the door, and the next thing I heard was glass shattering.

This beautiful, etched glass is no more.  I still don't know how I did it.  The clothes basket had hardly anything in it, nor was it a tight squeeze getting into the kitchen.  I had made that walk at least 50 times since that door came home a few weeks ago.  But somehow, I hit that heavy door and it fell flat to the ground.  It hit a box of tile and some tools that were sitting in the middle of the utility room and busted into hundreds of pieces.

Of course my mom and Jim weren't home when this happened.  They paid hundreds of dollars for this door.  They drove 10+ hours to go get it and bring it home and it didn't break.  I quickly contemplated leaving my mom's house because I wasn't sure I could face her when she got home.

Instead, I called her.  And reverting back to a 7 year old, as soon as she picked up I sobbed.   When she walked into the door, I sobbed.  She hugged me and told me no one died.  I guess that meant she wasn't going to kill me.

But man, the guilt is terrible. If anyone comes across a door from 1890, please let me know.

Pshhh, yeah right...